A wonderful song that reminds me of my sister, Diana.
Future of This Blog
I have considered going back to a free wordpress.com blog because then my posts would show up in Reader, and I could interact with other bloggers. It gets lonely in the solo blogosphere. I have some time before I need to renew the site, so I will consider the options.
The Losses We Bear
Last night, I watched Creed and Creed II. I very much enjoyed them, and I was sad that Rocky’s character bore so much loss. It made me think of the losses in my life, and that one day, my children will lose me.
When my sister died, I thought I had to understand what led to her drink so much that she died. I had to experience what she experienced. And I think I put myself in a sort of hell trying to understand what she experienced. Though, I don’t regret it.
I miss my sister every day. I also miss my grandparents. I wish I had been able to know my paternal grandmother; she died by suicide from Bipolar Disorder.
In the movie, Apollo’s son gave Rocky the will to fight and to truly live again. Rocky’s son had moved far from home, and he rarely talked with his son.
I thought about how my youngest daughter will be eighteen years old in a few weeks. In reality, I am facing an uncertain future, and I need something to fill my time.
I thought work would provide distraction from my looming emptiness, but really, it does not.
Gratitude & Thoughts
In the past, I thought I had it so bad in life. But truly, I have been very blessed. Not having a career helped me to focus on being a mom. I’m probably never going to own a home, and I think that is okay now. I don’t think I am meant to be in one place for too long.
Now that my daughter will be eighteen soon, I can think about where I want to live. I’m not sure I want to stay in Colorado. I have considered moving back to Las Vegas. I don’t gamble, but living in a dirty bowl in the desert reminds me of hardship and how human ingenuity can survive in inhospitable places. I feel alive in the desert. And I would be close enough to California for some beach excursions. But for now, I am staying in Colorado. I want to support my daughters while they attend college. My goal is for both of them to graduate without debt. They didn’t get the best start in life due to circumstances with me having mental illness and the divorce from their dad. But I hope this effort can at least help them start off from a beneficial launch pad.
I am grateful that I have two beautiful, talented, and intelligent daughters. I feel like I won the baby lottery twice–that is what I told everyone when they were little, and it still rings true! We have struggles, but we have a peaceful and happy home life. And for that I am very grateful.
5.2 Mile Walk
My youngest daughter and I walked on the Poudre Trail for 5.2 miles today. She was so excited as that is the farthest, she has walked on the trail. When I didn’t have a car, I walked about six miles a day, and I miss that sometimes! My oldest daughter went to the gym instead, but I plan to go there tomorrow with her.
Maybe I still have some healing to do before I can work as a peer again. I’m unsure if it is really something I want to pursue right now, or in the future. Though, I am grateful for everything I learned as a peer.
Taking Care of Myself
Now that I am officially unemployed, I want to spend time getting back to a good baseline. In the future, I think I will try to negotiate time to recover with my employer. I just feel guilty and ashamed for needing time off work to rehabilitate. But maybe just being open about that and negotiating is a better decision than resigning.
This week, I am going to get back in the gym. And I am going to blog. Apply for jobs. And I am going to start meal prepping again.
I know I have X amount of time to find another income source, but I think I am going to lower my expectations a bit, in terms of what kind of work I want to do. I really loved my gym job. I loved everyone I worked with, but the new manager thought I was too old to work there. That’s just the nature of things, I suppose.
I’m definitely going to apply to my favorite grocery stores. I especially love Natural Grocers and it pays almost what I was making. When I find a job, I am not going to work more than 30 hours a week. I think I need some time to recover.
I also want to write researched wellness content for my wellness blog. I like blogging about my life and thoughts, but I do want to have more of a professional website that I can use as a portfolio of sorts.
While walking with my daughter on the trail, I felt moments of bliss. I felt happy to be alive. I felt happy to be with my daughter, and I felt hopeful about the future. And I think that is a wonderful gift and experience.
To me, life is about learning, and sometimes we learn through trials. Sometimes we excel. Sometimes we take two steps back. But as long as we are hopeful, and taking moments to experience bliss, I think that we will end up in a good place.
Thank you for reading, and I wish you moments of bliss in your day.